"And know that if the whole of the nation were to rally together in order to bring benefit to you in anything, they would not benefit you except with that which God has written for you. And if they were to gather together in order to inflict harm upon you with something, they would not harm you except with that which God has written upon you. The pens have been raised and the pages have dried."
When we found out we were expecting our 3rd child we were extremely anxious. We wondered if we could handle another little person with so many needs. I feared another battle with postpartum depression. I wondered if I even had the capacity to love someone else as much as I've grown to love the Super Twins. And I guess we were nervous that we would have multiples again. As much as the girls have been a great blessing to us I didn't think I could mentally or physically handle carrying multiples for a second time. I was adamant "I am NOT carrying more than one child." But if you know me, you know that I talk to God a lot! I know sometimes He has to feel like "If this girl calls me one more time..." I'm a worrisome child. I'll own that.
I want to share a peek into my conversation with God. Maybe it will be helpful to you in your own tough situations when you don't believe you have what it takes to do the work He's willed for you...
So many times when I am put in a difficult and uncomfortable situation I feel alone. In pregnancy I am the one who has to get sick, I'm the one whose body changes, and I, alone, am the one who has to experience the pains of birth...I am alone. As much as I love my King and as much as I know he loves me, he can't help me with this one.
I struggle with having enough energy on a regular basis to keep up with the Super Twins. I struggle with keeping my depression and anxiety in check. How will I possibly keep up with another addition? How will my mental health fair in all of these changes?
We are not rich and my husband works very hard. With a 3rd child and with what I believe outsiders will think of me; I feel like I'm adding a burden to him. Even though he doesn't see working for his family as a burden, outsiders can say some pretty nasty things, and while he can take that criticism, I often shrink.
I am a master planner, but my plans don't always line up with reality. I'm not able to see that a detour doesn't take away from the final destination. When my plans don't go my way I falter. I feel so alone.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
My body is finally starting to feel like it did before I got pregnant with the girls. The pain in my neck and back is starting to dissipate. I can't imagine my skin stretching again and I can't imagine having the strength to carry such a heavy load.
Where will this child go? We live in a 2 bedroom and I drive a hatchback.
"A man's gift makes room for him and brings him before great men." (Proverbs 18:16)
The Super Twins are like 10 children in one and King works a lot. I would practically be doing this alone. I just don't think I am made to carry and take care of anymore children. I know this is what he wants, but this is not what I want right now. I can't do this.
"If I say," Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." (Psalm 139: 12-14)
"By myself I can do nothing..." (John 5:30)
"In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for special purposes and some for common use. Those who cleanse themselves from the latter will be instruments for special purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work." (2 Timothy 2:20-21)
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you ; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged." (Deuteronomy 31:8)
"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward."(Psalm 127:3)
With that last Scripture I was put at ease. Children are always gifts. This society would have us to view them as just another mouth to feed; a burden, but that's not how God sees them. Oh if only we could see with HIS eyes the way in which He sees US!
How silly I must have looked telling my Creator what I could and could not handle. He quickly gathered me and I am immensely grateful that He loves me enough to bring me guidance. Not only am I sure that I can do this, I want to.
When The Most High gives you something who are you to give it back? Who are you to question His gifts? Who are you to question His plans? I am the created. I trust full well that what He has for me is always for me and anything that escapes me was never meant for me.
Be encouraged.
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