Flashback to December 2013... Addi and me. I remember thinking to myself these babies are so beautiful they can't possibly belong to me. I was put to sleep for my delivery and the first words I remember whispering were, "aren't my babies beautiful?" Addi has needed so much of my cuddle time from the beginning. She's needed so much from me emotionally. I've been praying for patience for years, but God has decided to teach it to me through this child. I don't have many pictures of Roe and I together in the hospital because she wasn't doing too well. I remember standing in the NICU over her bassinet praying, crying, and feeling overwhelmed and helpless to my child. I refused visitors. I was so broken. I felt so useless to her. I held her bare to me as much as I could and smelled her. It took me a while to realize that that was all she needed. Motherhood hasn't been easy. I have postpartum depression. There are days when I just can't hold them. I just can't bring myself to talk to them. I move like a machine. Feed, burp, change. The days pass and sometimes I don't remember them. I pray and some days I feel great and some days I feel like God is everywhere but with me. I know that isn't true. I know He's here and He's working. I know that because every now and then in the middle of a cry Addi will stop and smile at me for absolutely no reason. I know that because Roe likes the smell of my shirts and no matter who is holding her she watches ME. I'm getting better every day and my kids are thriving in spite of my setbacks. God is still the Author and Finisher of my faith. He is still my peace. And when I can't hear His voice I'm still trusting His plan. I get tired, but I'm still in the race.
Late Post from March 14, 2014
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