Dear Heart....

How to feed a young family of 4 with $40....soup, soup, and more soup!!!!! I thank God for my Mom. Once you know the base of soup you can feed a whole army for about $6. I'm exaggerating, but you get me. She taught me how to make soup and she's taught me how to make a dollar work a few different ways. Now that I am a wife and a mother I think a lot about my own childhood. I never knew when money was tight in our house. That's just the way my mom works. We'd eat a roasted turkey one night, she'd turn it to turkey, rice, and gravy the next night, we'd eat turkey sandwiches, and then she'd scrape the whole turkey from the bone and make a bunch of soup. I just thought she liked turkey lol. She's taught me so much without appearing to do so.

On an unrelated note, but still kinda related...I recently lost one of closest friends. My cell phone has blacked out and no matter what I do I can't get it to turn back on. All of my messages and videos between me and my friend are in that phone. I've been relying on her to read me messages from her phone between her and him and that's been getting me through this time. I've been using her as a crutch. I haven't truly accepted that my friend is gone. I pretend like he's just travelling and isn't able to answer the phone. The other night I dreamt of my friend sitting at the foot of my bed. And we talked and laughed and picked just like we always have. After what seemed like a ridiculously long conversation I said to him our usual "don't crawl off somewhere. I love you" and like normal he responded, "I won't. I love you too" and then he disappeared and I woke up. I was crushed. I wanted to look at my phone. It felt so real. I wanted to tell him about my latest weird experience so he could make fun of me and carry on. I called my mom because I was desperate. I needed to hear some words from my friend, but she wasn't able to help me. Like I said I've been using her as a crutch, but when she couldn't help me I was crushed. I cried and cried and cried like I've never cried before. And then I was angry. I was angry that she wouldn't help me. And then I realized she was teaching me...whether she meant to or not...that I had to lean on myself. I have to say goodbye to my friend. As much as I believe in "see you laters" I have to let him go. I can't pretend that he's still here. I can't live in "text message world." I have to deal with reality. And I have to FEEL the grief. And I have to process it and then I have to move on, but the major point to this extremely long rant is that my Mom has taught me how to channel my energy in a better way. I'm not gonna sit around and cry everyday. I'm going to look into programs that raise money for cancer research and I'm going to actively and aggressively participate in them. THAT'S how I'm going to honor him. Cuz sitting around crying isn't anything close to how this beautiful soul lived his life....end of rant.

BEDA...Blog Everyday In April

I've been inspired to try my hand at blogging everyday in the month of April. An attempt at exercising my creativity. I probably should mention that I'm not the most creative person at all. In fact, I'm what you would call creatively lacking. Seriously, I remember those years in grade school where backboards and presentations were required and almost every year I submitted something that looked like I came up with it 5 minutes before class started. I don't DO arts and crafts. I just don't have that section in my brain. If it's there it's about the size of the Grinch's heart pre-holiday cheer. You could miss it. 

In late-night conversation with my husband I mentioned how I have a knack for leaving things unfinished. It's my hallmark. This includes housework. I have this thing for beginning housework and then meaning to get back to it...somehow the time passes for so long it looks like I never began in the first place. 

Anywho, I'm rambling. This is my attempt at challenging myself to get out into the world...which by world I mean my neighborhood, but whatever...going out into the world and making something of my day and then reporting back to the blog my findings. Maybe you'll like it. Maybe I'll actually finish this. There's only one way to find out....BEDA Day 1 out!

Pain vs. Suffering

CHOOSE to get out of bed, get showered, get dressed; fight to feel human. LET someone hug you really tight; fight through that wall you put up. Fight through the initial pain of being touched because physical touch is healing. GO outside and stand in the sun. FORCE yourself to realign your thoughts. I can't change that I have depression and that it's painful. I can't change that. But I REFUSE to suffer. I refuse to let it have me.

Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go Right Now!

Rosie had her first "I gotta pee right now" emergency. This whole potty trained thing is hilarious to me. I hate public restrooms...scratch that...I LOATHE them ENTIRELY, so I told Corey to pull over in a parking lot and let her pee outside. You may say I'm being disgusting and a tad dramatic, but I hate the confines of a nasty restroom THAT MUCH! She's MY child though, which translates to being fancy, prissy and overall difficult, so of course she refused. I feel so bad for her future husband. Ahh well.

We stopped at a hotel and again, I tried to get out of the public restroom experience, so I asked my husband to take her. I'd like to believe I have a typical father-daughter relationship with The Most High. I whine and He aligns everything just right so that I'm forced to do what I'm supposed to do which is usually the thing I. Don't. Want. To. Do. It womps, but it's funny when I really think about it. Today, he aligned everything so that Rosie screamed, "Mommy, you gotta come!" Who can turn that down? I thought I was off scott free, but alas that would not be the case. I took her and surprisingly, or unsurprisingly depending on your experience with kids and your "just do it and get it over with " take on life, it was a pretty cool experience. I lined the toilet with tissue like my mom showed me to do almost 30 years ago and I sat her down. The restroom was fairly clean which totally helped. I sat her down and she handled her business and quickly hopped off. It was so fast I didn't get to tell her "don't touch anything. let me help you down." so, she touched the toilet and got her own pee on her hands. She swore up and down she didn't want to wash her hands (we're going through a phase where she "can't wanna" do anything; it's cute and annoying all at the same, but I won't complain; at least she's assertive about what she wants. Once she discovered the automatic soap dispenser she was taken aback. "Mommy, I gotta try it again!" lol. She attempted to play in the sink water. I caught her thinking about it, so I told her about the difference in personal restrooms and public ones, but I'm so sure she didn't give two cares. She was excited about putting her paper towel into the stepstool trashcan and I grabbed her hands, but her little foot popped open the trash can and the "delightful" smell of used feminine hygiene products slapped her right in the face lol. 

All in all I'd say this was a great visit to the restroom. Now, if I could just get my mama's girl Addi to stop screaming whenever she's left with her Dad and baby sister that'd be great. Poor thing cried the whole time we used the restroom. She's going through a drooling phase. Seriously, where does this crap come from? lol. Anywho, the public restroom didn't kill us, but I'm bringing a potty chair next time so she can use it in the car. I hate shared restrooms. Fight me!

4th trimester (newborn phase)

• An Infant Carrier: The Baby K'taan has helped tremendously in allowing me to keep up with the twins, cook dinner, wash dishes, and keep my infant close to me whenever we are out of the house. You'd be surprised how a newborn can make complete strangers forget all about personal space/boundaries. The carrier allows me to move freely while keeping my baby close. It also allows her to adjust to OUR daily routine. She is also able to smell me, nurse, and hear my heartbeat. She almost NEVER cries. I know some old school parents may say holding a baby all day spoils the baby. That is completely false. You can not spoil a newborn. My baby is adjusting to a new world and she needs my help. For 9 months she's smelled me, been nourished by me, heard all the sounds my body makes...she only knows ME. I am her guide to this strange new world and I just have to be patient. She will catch on eventually. Infant carrying also helps with postpartum anxiety and depression. A crying/screaming baby completely overwhelms me. Baby-wearing helps baby and me feel secure.

• Journaling helps me to categorize and sort through my thoughts. I'm able to problem solve quicker. It's also easier for me to notice patterns in my behavior, so I can adjust. It's calming. It allows my mind to stop racing. 

• Breastfeeding. Any amount of breast milk I can give to my baby is so worth it. It's economical, it's healthy, it's always sanitary, and I can sleep while nursing in the middle of the night. Since I can do it, I do it. If it proves to be too much for me I'll stop. A fed baby is most important.

• Recovery: I made sure to sleep during the 6-8 week recovery period. I napped every time my husband was able to supervise the Super Twins. I relaxed my standards on chores and it made for an easier transition to being a mom of 3. I really soaked up those early moments. Since I breastfed on cue, Ryian napped more during the day and spent a lot of the evening and overnight nursing. It's imperative not to sleep through any of the nighttime feedings because that's when milk supply increases. Growth spurts and cluster feedings are real and the only way to keep up with the demand is to nurse on demand.

• Light walking: Just like during pregnancy, light exercise is beneficial. It serves as a mood stabilizer and it's a decent form of exercise.The great thing about walking is I was able to begin this almost immediately. 

• Coconut oil can be used to prevent stretch marks and as a natural alternative to traditional lanolin nipple cream. Coconut oil has antibacterial properties, so it's really good at healing those cracked nipples in the first few weeks.

• Bedtime/Nighttime routine: During the newborn phase I don't force a schedule, however, just doing the same things every night before bedtime helped Ryian learn the difference between day time and night time. A lavender scented warm bath, a light massage with coconut oil, fresh diaper, warm pajamas, a nursing session and low lights works like a charm.

• Loose neck tops are the best for nursing. I layer a nursing tank under a loose neck top so I can nurse without having to keep up with a nursing cover. 

• If you're new to breastfeeding or if you're bottle-feeding after a cesarean a breastfeeding pillow works great. I used the pillow for a short time until I got my bearings with different positions. It's also really good to keep the baby off the sensitive scar area. 

• Prenatal vitamins don't stop after baby is born. The vitamins help me to keep some energy. When I forget to take them I can tell the difference. I'm sluggish, Ryian doesn't get full, and I don't have as many letdowns as I should. The same is true for water and rest. When I don't get enough of those two things I am a sight for sore eyes.

In the comments let me know some of your essentials for that critical 4th trimester.

Introducing Little Miss Ryian Paris...

The night before you were born I started having contractions...I didn't think too much about it because even though I'd lost my mucous plug a few days prior I've never experienced labor symptoms. I didn't get much sleep that night. The morning of your birth Rosie woke up at the butt crack of dawn and demanded to watch little Einstein's. I obliged. I cut it on and continued to agonize. She paid me no mind lol. I continued to have contractions. They continued to get stronger and regular. I took a shower hoping the hot water would soothe me, but the contractions, of course got even more painful. I called your Granny. She knew I was different. She came running. Your Daddy on the other hand...he's so stinking cool about everything. Nothing can make him change the pace of his walk or the calm in his voice. He took his sweet old time driving home from work.

We headed to the hospital. I didn't progress but labor was imminent. I ended up having  you via repeat cesarean. I was awake for your birth...that was the only request I made. I didn't get to hear your sisters and that has stuck with me everyday of their lives.

I was so nervous to get the spinal, but your Daddy calmed me down with just the sound of his voice singing the lyrics to Stevie Wonder's "As" in my ear. "As now can't reveal the mystery of tomorrow, but in passing we'll grow older everyday. Just as all that's born is new, do know all I say is true, that I'll be loving you always." You'll come to learn that this is my song for your father. When they told me they were going to use general anesthesia when I gave birth to your sisters I had my nurse go to your father and tell him "Until the day that you are me and I am you." I tell him that whenever I'm overwhelmed or scared or just when I'm overcome with the wave of love. I love HARD and that's how I promise to love you.

They lifted you up over the sheet so I could see you, but I'd taken my contacts out before we'd gone inside. I'm blind as a bat without those things. When am I going to learn? Ever the jokester, I asked your Daddy, "Is she an uggmug?" To which he replied, "Absolutely not. She's gorgeous."

I had a postpartum hemorrhage. I blacked out. My blood pressure dropped into the 40s. You brought all the excitement Little One, but I wouldn't change a thing about the day. You are amazing! You are so loved! We can't wait to watch you grow up!

The Pits...Natural Alternatives to Conventional Deodorant

I started looking for natural alternatives to the conventional deodorants and antiperspirants because I knew I was going to be exclusively breastfeeding my little one and I felt a little weird about putting known carcinogens (aluminum, parabens, and triclosan) so close to her. In the western world, we've been conditioned to think of sweat as an enemy; as something unhygienic, but that couldn't be further from the truth. These known carcinogens are the ingredients in deodorant that stop us from perspiring. I know, I know sweat is yucky, but that's only because in the Western World we've been conditioned to think of sweat that way. In actuality, sweat is our body's natural coolant and toxin removal system. There are some toxins in the body that can only leave the body through sweat. Now let's think about that. There are thousands of known toxins in our bodies every single day and by using antiperspirants we are keeping those nasty toxins INSIDE OUR BODIES! THAT'S what's gross! I noticed that when I would shower I would scrub and scrub and scrub, but I couldn't get the old deodorant from under my arms. That's problematic in itself, so the hunt for an aluminum-free deodorant began.

 Tom's of Maine deodorant in the wild lavender scent was the first deodorant I tried out. I started this process in the summer months in the United States' South. That proved to be a complete bust! I sweat tremendously and I stunk so bad. I knew I could get used to the amount of sweat (hey, it's normal), but I couldn't deal with that stench. I figured if so many people were able to rave about this deodorant it must be something I'm doing wrong.  This led me to Google for a way to exfoliate my armpits. I ended up finding a detox recipe from www.wellnessmama.com using Aztec clay and apple cider vinegar.  The science behind this is that if you've been using an aluminum-filled deodorant for any amount of time, you've clogged your pores with this "metal." You need to first detox your armpits and then try the natural deodorant. This clay somehow pulls the metals from your body. You can actually feel the tightening as you use this mask. It's really cool.

Armpit Detox Recipe

2 Tablespoons of Aztec Indian Healing Clay

2 Tablespoons Bragg's Organic Apple Cider Vinegar

Enough water to form a paste

No metal utensils or bowls

Apply paste to underarms and relax for 5-20 minutes maximum.

Ok, so I detoxed my armpits every night for a month and then revisited the Tom's deodorant. Nope, still a bust. I almost gave up and just started using the conventional deodorant again, but when I would nurse my baby I just couldn't bring myself to do her like that. 

I went to my local Whole Foods Market and grabbed the Nubian Heritage Honey and Black Seed 24 Hour All Natural Deodorant. I really wanted this product to work because I spent almost $9 on it and because it's a black-owned company and that's really important to me. Alas, this product failed me as well. It smells amazing and maybe for the person who doesn't have sensitive skin this product might work great, but it burned like all hell. I haven't been able to pinpoint which ingredient caused me the discomfort, but I ditched this product. It also had this weird sticky feeling upon application. So uncomfortable!

Just kind of fiddling around in the body care aisle at Whole Foods I stumbled across this Magnesium Oil Spray. If you've read my blog for any amount of time you've heard me rave about the benefits of magnesium sulfate (aka Epsom salt) as a mood stabilizer. If you can't poop take an epsom salt bath. If you're sore take an epsom salt bath. If you're moody on your period take an epsom salt bath. I think you get my point. If you're ailing more than likely you just need to increase the magnesium in your body. Most of us are suffering from a magnesium deficiency and we don't even know it. But anywho, back on subject. I was reading the label and it mentioned how you could use it as a deodorant. How cool is that? I went home, showered and squirted in under my pits all willy nilly and it stung like fire. But that's completely normal! The first few times you use it you will sting, but that's only if you have a magnesium deficiency. After a few uses you won't sting anymore, but if the stinging bothers you too much just rub it in and then apply some coconut oil. You know how if you go to the beach and get in the ocean when you leave you'll feel this gritty feeling on your skin? That's exactly how your pits will feel, but thats ok. You're killing two birds with one stone. You're increasing your magnesium intake which will get rid of headaches, body aches, and insomnia while moisture-wicking! I've only been using it for about a week, but I'll never go back to a different deodorant ever.

If any of these products worked for you tell me in the comments. I don't have all the answers. I'm still learning just like you. Let's grow together :)